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All the gear. No idea. Max effort squat.

Over the years I have been in the gym business I’ve had, from time to time, the question “Why did you want to open a gym?” I normally mutter something along the lines of wanting to educate, assist, empower and connect with people – or something equally worthy and trite. This is bollocks of course. I opened a gym because it gives me  absolutely unparalleled access to kit. It’s the gadgets, gizmos and geegaws that have me enthralled. A nice glossy catalogue of shiny new stuff is way better then any porn mag (do porn mags still exist?) in the universe. I don’t buy new equipment for the gym – I collect it for myself and allow others, under great sufferance, to use it.
So any day we get fresh stash at the gym is a good one. I’ve already told you about the elastic bands of death I got from http://www.elitefts.com/ , well, I also got some other bits and bobs from them at the same time. The plan for today’s workout was to work up to my max effort squat but with lots of help from the new kit.

Box squats – I started with the empty bar and added 5kg each side, each set. This continued until 100kg when I put on Matt Strong’s lifting shoes. To be honest I wish I had stuck to squatting in bare feet as I don’t really like the way they throw my weight forward. What I need to do it get myself a pair of flat soled Converse style shoes as they’re pretty much the best thing to squat and deadlift in. Cool, more kit to buy.

Box squats with lifting shoes – this went on and on and on, adding 10kg each set until a mighty 140kg was loaded upon the bar. This then gave way to . . .

Box squats with lifting shoes and a really massive belt – now there are belts and then there is this belt. It’s unbelievable. It has to weigh about the same as a fully grown anaconda and is made from Brontosaurus leather laminated with granite. It takes 2 men and 5 minutes of violence to make it yield into a rough ‘O’ shape then 2 more men and 10 more minutes of violence to fasten the bastard thing up. However once you have bent it to your will then there is no force on this earth that could cause you to flex, even slightly, in the midsection. The weight went up to 180kg as my spleen was subjected to the same forces that turn simple carbon into diamond. Once on there was no way I could take the damned belt off without the assistance of the fire brigade and their jaws of life. But, still I did not think it too much and so my ultimate weapon was unleashed.

Box squats with lifting shoes, a really massive belt and knee wraps powerful enough to catapult a bus to the moon – you probably think that you know what knee wraps are. You probably slip on one of those tubegrip thingys on if attempting to gently cycle to the shops in the damp. That is not a knee wrap, trust me. These knee wraps are made from much sterner stuff, possibly the same stuff as used to clad Wolverine’s skeleton. I’ve looked into the science and reasons behind why they work but, instead, concluded that you do the rep because the fear of what would happen if you can’t get the cursed objects off you quick enough far outweigh such minor issues as squatting more weight then you can actually manage. For the first part of the rep you’re worried that your calves will explode and kill you. For the next part of the rep you’re worried that they won’t. Still, they did allow me to get 220kg (484lbs) on the bar without suffering an embolism.

For the life of me I can’t remember if I did any other training after this 22 set marathon. I think I’ve blocked it out.

Dave Carter.

1 Comment
  • Project Goliath on May 3, 2011

    Ahhh didn’t realise you purchased knee wraps as well?? over to the dark side? Still RAW as far as i’m concerned 😉

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