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A Blog Post

Convensions and seminars can be fun.

We (myself and my long-suffering wifelet) spent most of last week in sunny Birmingham at L.I.W, or Leisure Industry Week, which is an expo for all that is connected to the leisure industry. It’s basically a playground and one-stop supermarket for all the new gadgets and gizmos that come onto the market. Some of it is good (huuuge squat-racks and girls in small amounts of lycra), some of it is interesting (top notch seminars and guest speakers) and some of it is madder then a box of frogs (vibrating kettlebells and a blow-job treadmill!!!???).

You will probably never get the chance to go to one of these expos so I thought that I would tell you all about it and show you some pictures of my manager Matt doing stupid things with ridiculous pieces of equipment.

Here is a picture of Matt and the two Olympic mascots Wenlock and Manderville. Is it just me or do they look a little like a sort of hi-tech dildo?

Next up is me playing with clubs on the Technogym stand. The trend for functional training and crossfit style workouts has got a lot of the big equipment manufacturers scared and confused. If all you need to get fit and in great shape is something heavy to pick up above your head and some space to do some press ups or some sprints why would you ever want to spend £7000 on a treadmill with an ipod connector?

Me again looking baffled by the point of this machine. Basically it spins round and around while you stand on it. Umm . . .
. . . kinda stuck for words. There is no point to this at all except to make you poorer.

So you’ve worked hard and got your own gym. You are the master of your own destiny. You have squat racks, Olympic bars, exotic plate-loaded machines and the love of all your adoring members. But there is a gaping hole in your life that no lifting platform will ever fill. Do you have a massive plastic swan?

I thought not. Loser.

This is a plastic ring, with a ball in, that you spin round and it tones your arms up. This is true because I tried it and now I feel amazing.

And finally the overall winner in the shit you couldn’t make up category. Ladies and gentlemen for all your fitness and erotic needs I present for your pleasure . . .

. . . The blow-job treadmill.

First you must prepare your (ahem) client in the handy wipe clean rubber skirt that comes fitted as standard with the Suckatronic 5000.

Next you must place your consenting adult in the Pleasure Pod. Candles, smooth jazz and a glass of Chardonnay is optional but why not make it an occasion?

The ladies are ready for you now Matt, all we need to do is turn it, and you, on. If at any time you feel sick, faint, dizzy, short of breath or close to tears then you’re doing it right.

The main reason that Zoe and I go up every year is to meet all the other independent operators and feel, for a couple of days, that we’re not all alone in the world. The seminars, hotel and party would not be possible without the work of  Dave ‘bloody’ Wright from C.F.M.

Toodles,
Dave Carter.


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