War is hell… and so is jogging.
Crunchies weren’t working, it was time to release the Dragons.
Alright, listen up pus-buckets. I’ve tried being nice and being all “don’t train to hard you might hurt yourself.” Where has it got me? I’ll tell ya – absolutely nowhere.
But the very moment I come over all viking marauder like on my training . . . BOOM! One stone of lard rendered from my bloated carcass in about a week.
You can train less, but by the curly pubic hair of Thor, you had better train hard.
The only way to summon up the unholy strength of will needed to hammer yourself into drop forged tungsten is to declare war on your fat, pale, wobbling, useless, pathetic, civilian body.
It’s time to sign up to the Legendary Alliance of Lard Annihilation (La La), cry flex and let slip the dogs of buff.
No more easy. No more gentle. It’s Hell’s Bells and buckets of blood from this time forth.
Savage workouts and the mental discipline of a particularly keen Shaolin monk will be the order of the day.
Vast weights will be hoisted aloft and conditioning tough enough to flay the lungs from a racehorse will be endured.
All of this will be done on a diet spartan enough to kill a Spartan. Meat and vegetables will be devoured in piranha like feeding frenzies. No carb will lay siege to my fortress of indomitable determination.
Except for Thursday, when it’s my birthday and I’ll have a piece of cake. But it will be a small piece and I won’t really enjoy it. I might even do press ups on broken glass as I’m eating it.
Blood for the Blood-God. Skulls for the Skull-Throne. Days of darkness so filled with dread they have been renamed to give true representation of their glory.
Murderday – Run with wolves through a moonlit forest. (5mins on a treadmill)
Squat with a fence post wrapped in barbed wire 3 x 5 reps and 1 set of 20.
Circuit of horror doing front squats, good mornings, press ups and chin ups until I
was driven mad by the brutality of it all. (10mins and 10 reps on each).
Terrorday – Five rounds of ferocious, hand to hand combat with a savage beast (my mate Joe)
until his entrails became his extrails (5 x 2min rounds on the pads)
An eternity of sounding the Great bell of Pain as foul beasts tore at our eyes.
(20 mins kettlebells, no real beasts to speak of apart from a small fly).
Woeday – Flee in terror from The Thing That Should Not Be. (5mins treadmill)
Five more rounds with the savage beast that refuses to die (still Joe).
Circuit of unspeakable vileness that drove all who witnessed it insane by
it’s carnal depravity. (10 mins squat, deadlift, press up, chin up).
Cakeday – Ummm. . . The drive to Cowbridge for our lunch was a bit hectic but apart
from that no real agitation to report.
Fearday – Charge towards a Saxon shieldwall with an axe in my hands. (6mins treadmill)
Deadly deader than dead deadlifts until my spine doth crack and the bar doth bend
(5 sets of 2 reps).
Complex of chaos – high pulls supersetted with press ups.
More bloody jogging for 10 mins.
Till next time,