Dave's Gym

You Are Viewing

A Blog Post

Dave’s Gym Top 5 Fictional Badasses of All Time!

Hello there! After posting our top 5 real life bad asses of all time, I thought we would enlighten you all with our top 5 fictional badasses of all time. Being a complete nerd, this list was not difficult to come up with. I’ve been debating ultimate bad asses since I wow’d at my first action flick or nerd-gasm’d at my first ever comic book. Fictional guys are fun because they aren’t haltered down by the boring aspects of every day life like gravity, injury or common sense. On a side note I would like to add that Batman is not on this list. Unfortunate, as In my eye’s he is the coolest thing since sliced awesomeness, (if you read the comics) however if I’m brutally honest, I’ve still not recovered fully from the atrocity that was 1997’s Batman and Robin….  

5 – Legolas

Legolas is an elf. Perhaps the most sissyish looking of all creatures. He is slim, blonde and pretty. Not badass. He spends much of his time uttering pure drivel like “a red sun rises. Blood has been spilt this night” or reciting poetry.

 “Song of the South
Silver flow the streams from Celos to Erui
In the green fields of Lebennin!
Tall grows the grass there. In the wind from the Sea
The white lilies sway,
And the golden bells are shaken of mallos and alfirin
In the green fields of Lebennin,
In the wind from the Sea!”

Did u catch any of that? Neither did I.

Any way, when he’s not talking nonsense in English, he’s chatting delightful rubbish in Elvish. If daises could speak, they would speak Elvish. Why, I hear you cry are we starting off the list with the cream puff of middle earth?

I consider surfing down a flight of stairs on a shield, shooting orcs all the while keeping a body count pretty badass, not to mention free running up the flanks of an olyphant, (a colossal four tusked elephant to you and I) then shooting it point blank in the back of the skull, only to slide down its enormous trunk with ease and finesse. I don’t care what realm you’re from, that’s friggin cool! In addition to that, being an immortal badass, he undoubtedly has the highest body count of any creature in middle earth minus Sauron.

 Legolas you effeminate macho man we love you!

4 – Ellen Ripley

 Lieutenant Ellen Ripley is or was a space cargo hauler, who came into contact with highly aggressive parasitic extra terrestrials which…”gestate in living human hosts and have concentrated molecular acid for blood.’ Now, aliens or Xenomorph’s to our resident nerds are the most nightmarish creatures in the known galaxy. Their teeth are sharp, their body’s are slimy, and their heads phallic.

If Sigmund freud was a psychospaztic sociopathic nymphomaniac this is the creature he would come up with sitting alone in his shed…skinning baby animals and using their blood for paint.

Feelings and manners are as alien (excuse the pun) to her as peace time is to a republican. Not to mention her coolest attribute, she holds a class 2 Power Loader licence which she uses to subdue the alien queen (think alien on steroids with gnarlier teeth). If you can stand toe to toe with the alien queen, and have the balls to scream “get away from her you BITCH” you are worthy of this list. She obviously has no balls yet managed to throw the queen out the airlock. “Micro changes in air density my ass!”

Her defining bad ass-tribute however is unquestionably her relentless pursuit to rid the galaxy of these slimy critters once and for all. A pursuit which has spanned three films, even coming back from the dead in the fourth and final film to once again kick some alien ass. Sorry Hudson, you are not the ultimate badass Ripley is. Bugger off.

3 – Rorschach

Walter Joseph Kovacs, or Rorschach as he would prefer to be called is a primary character in the Watchmen series of comic books. Most would define him as an anti hero. I respectfully disagree. Anti-hero’s are pretty badass yes, but they have a soft side, a good side, a clear line between right and wrong. Morals if you will. Rorschach is a morally driven character. In fact that’s the very essence of his who he is. He has a very distinct, clear cut no bullshit line between absolute right and absolute wrong. There is no grey area with him. So if he has set morals just like any other anti hero what makes him so different? What sets him out as more badass from the rest?

Rorschach is a fucking sociopath. A delusional deranged sociopath. There’s no other way I can describe him. Don’t get me wrong he is a ‘good guy’…somewhat. His view of good however has been warped and mutilated by his tangled mind.

He would kill you for stealing a stick of gum. This is how his mind works. Gum + stealing = wrong = throw this thieving bastard of a 12 storey balcony.

The main turning point in his transformation from crazy-sane Walter to fucking nutter Rorschach however was in the investigation of a disappearance of a young girl, finding her remains being chewed on my two large dogs.

This is where the real bad-assery begins. After Rorschach killed the two dogs with a meat cleaver, he waited in the shadows for the murderer to arrive. He threw the dogs dead body’s at the murderer and proceeded to handcuff him to a stove and cover him with kerosene, giving him a hacksaw. Our jolly hero then set the house on fire giving the killer the option to saw his own hand off or burn alive. (A fair choice in Rorschach’s mind)  He chose to burn.

If we go on the events of the movie however, Rorschach in his blind rage chose to handcuff the killer to the stove….then use the meat cleaver to cleave his face. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. Not a nice way to go.

On top of that this man is resourceful when it comes to killing. He has used pepper, to blind cops, a toilet bowl, a fork a cigarette and his jacket as weapons. My personal favourite improvised killing device however has to be the hairspray match stick combo to make shish kebab of any police officer that would want to lock him away.

Nevertheless, his defining bad ass moment has to be after he was caught and incarcerated.

While waiting in line to get his lunch the unmasked hero gets confronted by the big dog in the yard. The prisons head gangster who wanted to make an example out of Rorschach by getting his shank on. Rorschach, being in no mood to be any one’s prison bitch decided to retaliate. By killing him. But no not in a humane kick to the nuts and snap your neck fashion, this is Rorschach we’re talking about here. Our ginger haired headcase decided he should send the inmate to the after life by grabbing the deep fat fryer and pouring the sizzling oil over his opponent while screaming…

“None of you seem to understand. I’m not locked in here with you. YOU’RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME!!”

2 – Kratos

“Be quick with your words!”

Kratos is the protagonist in the God of War video game series. I would like to note that I use the term ‘protagonist’ very loosely. I say protagonist because you are following his story but I bull shit you not he is a fucking villain! This man is the reason there are no more Greek gods. He killed them all.

He is well known for his defiant nature, (“A choice from the gods, is as useless as the gods themselves.”)
His brutality,(I am not the same man you found that day, the monster you have created has returned. To kill you.) Incredible one liners (“Tell the God of War I am his no longer, I will find Pandora’s Box, and I will use it to see him tremble before me.”) and his relentless not give a fuckery.

A Spartan warrior who, after tasting defeat at the hands of the barbarian horde, made a deal with Ares the god of war to save him in return for eternal servitude, extended powers of asskickery and a pair of huge axe like blades grafted onto his arms with giant flaming chains named the blades of chaos, which are the perfect medium to channel his pent up rage.

To cut long stories short, Ares tricked Kratos into unknowingly murdering his family (to make him in to a better warrior). As a result, an oracle cursed Kratos to always carry the ashes of his loved ones on his skin for all to see which explains his pale complexion. Nicknamed the Ghost of Sparta, Kratos decided to start running around murdering everything in sight, ending his killing spree with Ares.

From then on he was the new god of a war. The only mortal to ever kill a god. When this wasn’t enough to satisfy his unquenchable blood lust, he then destroyed a living Colossus of Rhodes, got himself killed by Zeus, climbed out of hell, killed all the gods, their friends, the Titans, all the Greek heroes, a ton of monsters, himself, and anything else retarded enough to get in the way of his giant whirling blades of death. He ran around murdering or humping his way through the entirety of Greek mythology in a way that would make anyone gain a new found appreciation for the term badass. Honestly, check out the Wikipedia List of God of War Characters.

Nearly everyone on the list ends with either “Killed by Kratos” or “Sex Mini-Game.” Kratos is certainly the most badass video game character ever to turn a person from a bunch of pixels to one big mass of blood coloured explosion. When Kratos isn’t ripping a Cyclops’ eye out of its head with his fists or punching Hercules in the face, he’s showing absolutely no mercy or pity or sanity in any capacity whatsoever. He ultimately gets his revenge (by killing everything), achieves ultimate redemption (by killing more people), and celebrates by killing anything on Earth not already lying face-down in a pool of whatever it uses for blood.

1 – Maximus Decimus Meridius

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next…”

And here we are folks. The official Dave’s Gym number one bad ass of all time. Maximus Decimus Meridius, was a general of the roman army, turned slave, turned gladiator, turned badass. A Spaniard by birth, he dreams nothing more of completing his term and getting home to his beloved family. He just has to kill a hell of a lot of Germanic’s to get there. Long story’s short, he was selected by the emperor Marcus Auralius to succeed him as the next emperor. His son Commodus, insulted at the very notion ordered Marcus and his family dead. (After he murdered his father of course). He manages to escape execution with the help of a little sticky blade frost, kills his captors and escapes before being captured again, sold as a slave and then kills, executes and massacres his way to being the crowd favourite. “Are you not entertained!? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?”

He is a bad ass for many reasons. Throwing a bloodied sword at his captors whilst spitting at the crowd, besting the undefeated warrior Tigris in the arena after killing a tiger with a sword, I could go on and on. If you don’t believe me, dig Gladiator out of your DVD collection and give it a watch. Aside from being a great film, it is basically a list of how badass a person can possibly be in one short lifetime.

There is however one reason and one reason only why he has earned the highly coveted Dave’s Gym Ultimate badass trophy.

When a beautiful woman is all over you and you simply can’t be arsed (a position I constantly find myself in) you generally ask for a rain check. Maximus however is able to dismiss her with the line “I’m tired from battle”.

I’m sorry but if you are able to pull of the line “tired from battle” and not have some one laugh in your face you are the badest badass on the planet. Imagine actually being able to say that. Sorry mum I can’t tidy my room I’m tired from battle, or sorry Dave, far too tired to clean the cardio machines, tired from battle. Amazing.

Well there we have it folks. Our top 5 fictional badasses of all time. Hope you enjoyed your stay in badassville.

Strength and honour!

– Zucko.

Leave a Reply